Sunday, March 14, 2010

Shows I Never Want to See, Part One

Awful shows: there are tons of them. This one from 1979 looks particularly stupid.

Even Sexy People Get it Wrong Sometimes

OK, even though I was alive and aware in 1984, as well as a rabid fan of Wonder Woman, I was unaware of this television extravaganza. It looks like this special might have been two parts Xanadu, one part John Denver, with a little bit of Donny and Marie thrown in.

Television stars frequently get the idea that they can sing as well as act. (I'm looking at YOU, Bruce Willis and Don Johnson.) Most times, even as a child, I would watch their public efforts with a hopeful, yet cringing embarrassment.  

Seriously, have you ever seen David Hasselhoff sing "Do Ya Love Me?" to Minnie Mouse at Disneyland in 1985, delivered to the stage by KITT wearing a silver lame' jacket? The awfulness will sizzle your eyeballs out. 

See a full description of other Disneyland cringe-worthy affairs at   

Though Lynda Carter is beautiful as well as the best personification of Wonder Woman ever, I never want to see her belt out "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" while wearing  rhinestones and peacock feathers. 


I'm gonna listen to this record right after watching "The World of Lowell Thomas" at 7:30!


Weird Ads: 1979!!

Ummm..., ouch?

Does she really look "alive with pleasure," or does this woman's boyfriend just love Jack Nicholson's portrayal of the Joker from Batman (1989)?

I bet this model punched this dude in the balls after the photo shoot.

Greatest Jerks of the Silver Screen: Troy Perkins from The Goonies (1985)

The Goonies is a fantastic 80’s movie about a group of misfits who brave an underground labyrinth of horrors for pirate treasure. There are many, many iconic characters in this film. “Data”, played by the awesome Ke Huy “Short Round” Quan and “Chunk” Jeff Cohen are my personal favorites. But, since we are speaking of legendary d-bags, we have here one of the best in film history: Troy Perkins.

Rich, spoiled preppie scum Troy Perkins (Steve Antin) likes poor but hot girl Andrea “Andy” Carmichael (Keri Green) a lot. He harasses and hates the whole Goonies gang.

In a deleted scene, the Goonies go to a convenience store before they get all caught up in the Fratelli family’s mess and go to the pirate labyrinth. Troy “A-Hole” Perkins is there, and has the gall to stuff helpless Chunk in an ice-cream freezer, and sets fire to One-Eyed Willie’s map, smoking it like a cigar. He tortures poor adolescent Sean “Mikey” Astin, putting him in a headlock while helpless Corey “Mouth” Feldman looks on. Oy vey.

Later, when Troy is finally denied what he really wants, (to pull Andy out of a wishing well cave that she is trapped in with the rest of the gang) he issues her a verbal coup de gras, lumping her in with the loveable band of dorks:


Troy Perkins…what a jerk!

An Abrupt Sight For A Lovely Sunday Afternoon...

Rob is softly giggling across the back yard. I am reading "The Big Book of Little Big Books," sitting on a patio chair.

"What's so funny?" I ask him.

He ignores me, and stands almost out of sight. I get up from my chair, and stare down at a pair of work gloves.

Only Robbie.

Rarest of the Rare: Leonard Nimoy's Cassette Tape on Dot Records!!!

There I was, minding my own business, when I found a Nimoy object I have never, ever seen before. A cardboard backed cassette tape featuring the music of Leonard Nimoy. The cardboard has no photo of Nimoy at all, just a pseudo-psychedellic smattering of swirls and an ink blob in the lower left. It is by Dot records, the same quaint record company that produced Nimoy's albums.

On the cassette, just four songs. SIDE ONE: "Theme from "Star Trek"" and  "Visit to a Sad Planet" (from Leonard Nimoy Presents: Mr. Spock's Music From Outer Space, released in 1967)  SIDE TWO: "Highly Illogical" and "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" (from Two Sides of Leonard Nimoy LP, 1967).

Audio cassette tapes were patented in 1964 by the Phillips company, but were in no way common by 1967-68. What the hell is this little gem, then, and who would have bought it?

I bet Nimoy himself has never seen this little audio rarity.

I love it so very much. I shall never, ever open it.